Five signs the end is near: March 24, 2012

Hoodies: Sweatshirt of choice for the Forces of Evil

5. Turtle Nation Gets Up in Arms

Having turned the dumbest property in ‘80s toy history into a blockbuster film franchise, Transformers director Michael Bay is now turning his attention to the second-lamest property: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Wait, hold up—that’s not the apocalyptic part.

Recently, the Armageddon auteur, who’s producing a Ninja Turtles film slated for December 2013 release, let slip that fans may need to slap another descriptor onto the pile when discussing Raphael, Leonardo, Michelangelo and Donatello: alien. Be patient; that’s not the end-of-the-world part, either.

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Five signs the end is near: March 14, 2012

Courtesy of ABC

5. Mississippi, Alabama outdo themselves

“Why do birds fly upside-down over Mississippi?” “How do you keep an Alabama girl from biting her nails?” You’ve heard all the jokes (especially if, like me, you were raised in Louisiana). But don’t think that the hard-working denizens of those states are resting on their laurels. No, sir. A Public Policy Polling survey of 1,256 likely Republican voters in both states, taken in advance of Tuesday’s primaries, revealed that Alassippians are working overtime to ensure that they remain looked down upon by the other 48 states. More than 40 years after the last state ban on interracial marriages was lifted, it turns out that 21 percent of Alabama voters surveyed, and 29 percent of Mississippi voters, think it should be illegal. Continue reading

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Five signs the end is near: March 8, 2012

Courtesy of NASA

5. The Osbournes are coming! The Osbournes are coming!

It’s not bad enough that Sharon Osbourne can be seen each weekday morning cackling with other hens on a pointless knockoff of The View, or that no one questions why marrying a slurring, bumbling, used-to-be rock star qualifies her to judge whether America’s Got Talent.

No. Now Ozzy and his brood are working on an animated series to be called The F’n Osbournes. (Apt, really, since the “Prince of Darkness” long ago descended into cartoon-character caricature.) Continue reading

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Saint that a shame

The New Orleans Saints warmed the hearts of underdog lovers everywhere with their thrilling victory over homeboy Peyton Manning and the Colts during Super Bowl XLIV. These days, however, they’re the talk of the sports world for a number of less-flattering reasons. Doubtless, the entire organization, to say nothing of its fan base, is pining for the halcyon days of 2010. Continue reading

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Five signs the end is near: March 1, 2012

5. Google’s new privacy rules take effect

The Internet monolith has folded together some 60 privacy policies across its various holdings—including YouTube, Blogger, Gmail and, of course, the 800-lb. gorilla of all search engines. This will allow the company to collate the information it collects about the users of its products, and use that data to more effectively convince us all to make impulsive purchases, watch more productivity-killing videos of kittens making out with penguins and, most chillingly, use Google Docs. Apparently, it will also start sharing our porn searches with everyone in our contacts lists, and implant microbe-sized GPS devices beneath our skin so that the black helicopters can find us and spirit us away to indoctrination camps. However, in a classic case of what journalists call “burying the lede,” we’re missing the real story here: Apparently, people actually use Blogger. Continue reading

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Should you hate Chris Brown all u want?

Jive Records

Sunday Night’s Grammy Awards received a lot of attention, drawing some 39 million viewers curious to see how the National Academy of Recording Arts and Scientists would pay tribute to one of its biggest stars. Morbid as it sounds, Whitney Houston’s untimely passing the day before made the awards presentation a must-see event, garnering more than 12 million viewers over last year’s telecast and netting the second-highest ratings in the event’s history. To the Recording Academy’s credit, it took great advantage of that brighter-than-usual spotlight, honoring not just Houston and the late Etta James (who deserved more attention than she got) but a stage full of dynamic female performers, from Jennifer Hudson and Kelly Clarkson to Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Carrie Underwood, Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj.

That larger narrative was underlined by a handful of subplots that emphasized talented women overcoming adversity: the unsurprising dominance of Adele, who’d been forced to cancel tour dates twice last year due to vocal problems and ultimately underwent surgery; Perry’s vengeful tear through “Part of Me,” a “winning the breakup” kiss-off believed to be aimed at her ex Russell Brand; and Swift’s spirited performance of “Mean,” allegedly directed at one of her critics, newsletter writer/blogger Bob Lefsetz. (Minaj’s bizarre performance of “Roman Holiday,” featuring one of her alter egos, can also be counted as a moment of adversity, although it remains to be seen whether the singer will overcome the largely negative reaction.)

But like a needle scratching a record, the night’s theme of powerful women was marred by one “jarringly dissonant element,” as TIME’s James Poniewozik so succinctly put it: the Academy’s decision to share so much of its increased spotlight with R&B singer Chris Brown, who performed twice, and also won his first Grammy for Best R&B Album. Continue reading

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Five thoughts on DC’s Watchmen prequels

Earlier this week, DC Comics officially announced what many in the comics community had been whispering about for months. The publisher is releasing a series of prequels to the landmark 1986 Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons miniseries Watchmen. The comics, grouped under the banner Before Watchmen, will consist of seven miniseries highlighting the Silk Spectre, Rorschach, the Minutemen, the Comedian, Ozymandias, Nite Owl and Dr. Manhattan. Each issue will feature a two-page back-up story, Curse of the Crimson Corsair, which seems to be a nod to Watchmen’s comic-within-a-comic Tales of the Black Freighter. Continue reading

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Five reasons not to watch the Super Bowl

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you’ve probably heard that Super Bowl XLVI airs this Sunday.  If you have been living under a rock, you might seriously consider heading back there until Monday, because this game offers very little reason to crawl out into the light of day. This year, the American sports world’s biggest event features the rematch no one asked for, with the New England Patriots poised to avenge themselves against the New York Giants, who bested the undefeated Pats in XLII back in early 2008.


You’d think I’d be excited to watch this grudge match between two championship teams. You’d be wrong, and here are five reasons why. Continue reading

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Kevin Forest Moreau is a twerp

As narcissistic as I am, I don’t Google myself very often, and today I was reminded just why that is.

Three years ago, I reviewed the animated film Coraline for the weekly newspaper I used to run. I didn’t review a lot of movies, but I was a big fan of Neil Gaiman, who wrote the book on which it was based. So I went to the preview screening, watched the movie, and spent the entire next week digesting it.

As often happened back then, I didn’t get around to writing the review until late in the afternoon of the day the paper was going to press. Continue reading

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It’s so easy (Why Guns N’ Roses deserves to be buried in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame)

The newest class of nominees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was announced today, and as usual the list is split between old-school pioneers who did very little rocking (Freddie King, the Spinners), classic rockers (Heart, Donovan, the Small Faces), rappers with a bit of rock swagger (Eric B. & Rakim, the Beastie Boys), and a band I don’t care for but whose success is an unfortunate fact of life, like world hunger (the Red Hot Chili Peppers). There’s also one shoo-in (Joan Jett), a couple of who-doesn’t-love-funk-and-soul entries (War, Rufus with Chaka Khan), the obligatory disco nod (Donna Summer) and one mild head-scratcher (the Cure).

But there’s one brand—er, I mean band—that stands out. I’ve had my issues with the Hall of Fame in the past, but I’ve got to give them the nod when they get it right. Guns N’ Roses is an obvious choice for enshrinement in this hallowed rock memorial. No band more deserves to take its rightful place alongside such rock legends as ABBA, Bob Marley and Genesis—although not for the reason you might be thinking of. Continue reading

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